On this very Christmas night
Have you ever been in the situation where you wish it was any day but Christmas Eve? No? Well good for you. I know; usually you wish everyday was Christmas; but I donít. Not this year, not last, not next. Do you want to know why? Because every year it ends in the same way.
Normally Christmas is supposed to be this wonderful holiday, with lots of love and happiness right?
Now that is where my family comes in, because in my family things donít quite go that way. No, in my family this is the time I can get yelled at, in front of even more people than normally and all because I am gay ... and my gambling problem, but thatís beside the point now. The yelling isnít the worst though. The really bad part comes at night when my father is drunk and decides I should be punished for being such a disgrace to the family. The thing that hurts the most is that I know my siblings are standing outside the door listening, crying, blaming them selves, but too scared to help. Itís funny, I always though someone would come save me.
Anyway, here I am, my father standing in front of me, exclaiming what a disappointment of a son I am, the same old routine every year. I know his lecture by heart now and Iím ashamed to admit that it almost makes me crumble in defeat... and then I think of Sean. My Sean ... has a ring to it, doesnít it?
Sean and I meet a year ago at a New Years party in Brooklyn. I have to admit that he had me falling for him the moment I saw him. I swear, he looks like a walking promise for the best sex of your life ... until he opens his mouth. Yeah, things got kind of difficult after that. We couldnít stop fighting; it was driving our friends crazy. But we finally did for a few hours, shut up I mean ... that was when we ended up in bed together. All I am going to say is that his looks donít promise too much.
Things went up and down after that. I wanted something official, he didnít. I wanted something more than just random hook-ups behind corners, he didnít. Itís simple, I wanted more, and he didnít.
And so I thought, Ďwell fine, if you canít give me what I want than Iíll go look for it somewhere elseí. ... Things didnít quite go as planned. After three weeks I ended up back in bed with him. I really wanted to wipe that smug grin of his face, as he sat on the edge of the bed, lightening his cigarette.
This doesnít make my Christmas Eve better though, if you know what I mean. This year I really wanted to spend it with someone who actually cares about me and wonít beat the shit out of me once I am asleep. But I am afraid that Sean obviously wasnít supposed to be it.
Okay, somewhere along my musings my fathers has stopped shouting, so now heís glaring at me expecting an answer to a question I havenít heard. I got the feeling I am in for it now. Damn, what was the question? Oh well ... Iíll test my luck.
"Ehm ... Iím ... sorry?
Honestly? I never saw his fist coming. Jack always says that I am way to gone to react to anything in time, but my mothers shriek and my bloody, aching nose are a dead giveaway to what must have happened. A bit early for him to start his beating, isnít it?
I raise my hand to my nose, still in shock. Everyone around us is holding their breath. Merry Christmas to them all.
Yet suddenly it all comes clear to me. Now I know that Iíd rather spend Christmas with Sean, who doesnít really want to have anything to do with me other than a good shag, than one more minute in this house.
I look up at my dad who is still clenching his fist and fuming in rage ... and I smile. Out of all the things I could do I smile, and not only that, no ...
"Merry Christmas dad!", I say.
Before anyone knows what is happening, I have rushed to my room, packed my stuff and made my way down the fire ladder. I can hear my fatherís angry voice calling after me and my mom and sisters crying. How bad can Christmas Eve get?
I am not really thinking about them right now though. My mind is occupied by Sean and what I am going to do. Not that I have any clue what it is I am going to do. I figure Iíll find him and ... spend ... Christmas ... with him. Granted, it is not a very smart neither a very marvellous plan, but it is all my head will come up with tonight.
However, once again, my head races ahead of me. In spite of my plan, I find myself walking towards the finer side of town. You know, the one with the big houses that are covered over and over with Christmas decorations.
Slowly I make my way through the snow, only swiftly looking at the fancy houses. My nose is still aching but slowly turning numb in the cold. I walk around aimlessly, yet my feet have unconsciously carried me towards the church, and I canít believe my eyes at what I see. There is Sean, sitting on a bank besides the main entrance, smoking a cigarette and listening to the Christmas carols that are chiming from inside. He looks so different sitting there in the snow. I can see a smile playing at his lips as he closes his eyes and listens to the music. Snowflakes are sitting in his hair and eyelashes; I didnít even notice that it has started snowing again. Seanís looks take my breath away.
Oh my God, he is looking at me. I really have to stop getting carried away with my thoughts. Cautiously I make my way over to him, his eyes following my every step.
"Hem hem ... hey Sean ... ehm ... itís a surprise meeting you here."
"I could say the same ... Race"
Oh so itís that game.
"Well I asked you first SPOT"
"Actually you didnít ask me anything."
Argh, that guy can really piss me off at times. Way to go to ruin the moment. Now he has this stupid smirk on his face again, curse him!
I make to leave as his hand shoots forward and stops me form turning away.
"What happened to your nose?"
Thatís Sean, blunt as always. That guy has no sensitiveness whatsoever.
"I ran against a door...., Jesus, what do you think Sean? You know the story."
A flash of pain crosses his eyes. Okay, maybe I should cut down on the sarcasm, you know, for Christmas sake and all.
"Your father, huh?"
Okay, this is freaking me out. That guy has been through more than I can imagine. Why is this getting to him so much?
"Yeah, but itís my problem not yours."
Another flash of pain ... okay ... this doesnít mean what I think it does, does it?
Awkward silence is settling upon us, as we stand in front of the church with snow falling around us. This is getting to my nerves. Why is this guy so complicated? I think I want a dictionary on Ďthe-guy-I-am-in-love-with-speechí from good old Santa this year. ... Well ... one of us has to end this.
"I guess I better go and leave you to your ... Christmas ... songs ..."
"Who was the guy I saw you with last week?"
Woah ... okay... "What?"
"I donít like it when you lurk around with others guys in dark alleys."
Is it just me, or am I witness of a true Christmas miracle?
"Oh, is that so? And what, my lord, gives you the right to be offended by my actions?
Okay, time to take a risk.
"It wouldnít be ... say... that you are madly in love with me, would it?"
"I canít believe it! The great leadahí of Brooklyn has fallen for little olí me!"
"... shut up!"
"I would even say he fell head over heals for me!"
"Shut it Race!"
"Mr. Cold hearted Ė no strings attached- has fallen in love ... awww...."
"What? I am just ... mghnmm..."
And so we end up kissing. I am going to have to admit, that I didnít see that coming either, though I have a pretty good reason for my head being up in the clouds. Itís not everyday that you get to hear Mr. itís only physically proclaiming his love for you ... even though it was only indirect. But hey, itís a start and itís still only Christmas Eve.
As we break up for air, trying to catch our breaths, my eyes stay glued to his. That kiss almost made my knees give out under me. I guess it wouldnít have mattered that much though, since his arms have found their way around me and vice versa.
His calm voice is speaking to me again.
"So, Iíve been giving this boyfriend stuff some thinking, and I am only going to say this once. You are going to spend Christmas, New Year, Easter and any other holiday and weekday right beside me. And I never want o see you lurking around with any other guys again. Youíre taken ... is that clear?"
A big grin spreads itself on my face.
"Whatever you say!", I say breathlessly.
He gives me a short nod and kisses me again, slowly and sweet this time. I donít know how he does it, but he gets me to literally melt into the kiss, which is why I am truly disappointed when he ends it a few minutes later, that damn smirk of his back in place.
"So, letís try this again ...What brings you here?"
"Couldnít sleep..." I say in a daze. "... because I was busy thinking of you?"
He shakes his head in silent laughter, amusement shining in his eyes.
"Well come on then"
He offers me his hand and I take it without hesitation. He guides me around the corner, up a latter and on the roof; motions me to sit down; seats himself behind me and rests his chin on my shoulder. I lean back in content. More than content. Truly happy. Ecstatic! I turn to steal another kiss from him ... my boyfriend! ...and snuggle deeper into him.
One hour later, we are still sitting on the rooftop, gazing up into the starry sky, stealing kisses and whispering promises, and Christmas songs being sung in the church below us.
And who knows, we might even see Santa flying through the sky, even though I canít think of thing I could ask of him, since I have all I wanted right behind me with his arms around me; and suddenly I donít hate Christmas that much anymore, since someone saved me after all.